Quiet
by Solosan
Summary: Actually, Kisame really just wanted some peace and quiet. Pity Hidan was such an annoying asshole.
1. Chapter 1 Peace and Quiet

It's been years! Here's a wonderful crackfic between me and my fav rp partner of all time. (guess who is who, I dare you) I just rp, she does the editing and making it all readable and stuffs. All suggestions and crits welcome cause… We honestly have no idea where it may end up. Heads up warning, there will be MxM, cussing, nudity and violence.

That said! Please enjoy crackfic! Collab between a Sexy as all Hell Brit and one Crazy Ass South African.

~.~

Quiet. Something Kisame hadn't been able to indulge in for a while. Blessed quiet.

He sat back in the plush sofa of the HQ common room, an array of smaller blades laid out before him on the pitted and cracked coffee table (often to be seen with at least one blade slammed down into it point first, especially when tempers had gotten heated - a common occurrence in their group.)

Kisame doesn't use his other blades all that often - he prefers the Samehada, after all - but it couldn't hurt to have them about his person just in case. And the act of sharpening them was somewhat meditative, especially after a long and fairly fraught mission. With a deep felt sigh, he put one blade down, picked up the next and began the process of sharpening it against the whet-stone with quiet and careful motions, letting his mind drift.

Unfortunately Kisame wasn't going to be able to keep his peace and quiet for much longer, if the muttered cursing and slow squelching sound of something being dragged along the floor was any indication.

Eventually that horrifying sound ended as a blood streaked dust covered missing nin rounded the corner and glared at any and all occupants in the common room as though they were the soul reason for all the bullshit that had happened to him.

The strange noises turned out to have been made by Hidan dragging his own arm behind him.

He contemplated Kisame with narrowed purple eyes, he was quite obviously pissed off. He'd never really spoken with Kisame before, they never really had reason to, but since he seemed to be the only one here…

"Where the fuck is Deidara?"

Well that answered the question of why Hidan was in his current predicament.

Kisame - at first - didn't allow the squelching and slithering and stomping to penetrate his hard-won calm. But upon Hidan's actual entrance into the room, the smell of wet earth, blood and .. whatever else that smell was (he has a sensitive nose, sue him) made him look up with a dark expression.

He eyed Hidan with disdain at having his quiet solitude interrupted. The man looked an absolute mess - which was quite something, Kisame hadn't seen him around much, but when he did he was usually quite impeccably turned out.

"He's not here," he grunted, "Whatever he did to piss you off - " and here he paused to raise a brow at the fairly obvious answer to that - "I suggest you either go look for him or sit down and shut up and wait for him."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Hidan was just going to take that as an invitation to rant and rave, something he was pretty good at doing.

"He fucking blew my arm off, that's what he fucking did! I swear if he leaves those fucking spider, birds, whatever's just fucking lying around I'm not even going to give him the fucking honour of fucking sacrificing him, I'm just going to slice that fucking blonde pansy to pieces and be done!"

Barely taking a breath, he stomped in and dropped his blown off arm onto Kisame's blades. What? It was convenient and he didn't want to be the only one having a bad day.

"Where the fuck is Kakuzu? I swear to Jashin, that zombie is never fucking around when you need him, seriously."

Kisame, for the most part, ignored Hidan's ranting, right up until the severed arm landed right in the middle of the coffee table, scattering not only his blades - that had been nice a neatly lined up according to his own system - but also his thoughts.

"Hidan! Why?! Why would you - you know what, I don't care. Get that off my table. I just cleaned these fucking things..."

And of course, then the ranting actually penetrated his senses and he rolled his eyes, "You'll have a lot more to deal with than just his kami-forsaken clay bombs if you DO try killing him, and you know it. And I have no idea where anyone is, I was minding my own fucking business."

He pushed the arm delicately across the table with the point of the blade he was holding, hoping to push it right off the edge and onto the floor where it belonged.

"Don't you fucking dare!"

Hidan swiped up his poor left arm and shoved it in Kisame's face, "Didn't your mother fucking teach you any manners? Don't just shove bits of people on to the floor you fucking asshole!"

Completely ignoring Kisame's obvious wish to not have anything to do with him, Hidan dropped one muddy boot on the table, scattering more of the once neatly lined equipment, "I can be anywhere I want to be and kill anyone I fucking want to, ok? Now where the fuck is Kakuzu, my arm is itching like crazy, it's faster to have thousand year old crazy sew it up... Or I can just wave it in your face all day, at least it gets your fucking attention."

Hidan grinned, teeth glinting, as he tried to poke the detached arms finger in Kisame's face.

Kisame grunted, putting his hands up in the universal gesture of 'fucking back off' as Hidan grabbed for his severed arm and began waving it about at him.

"My mother taught me to keep trash in the trash can - and if you keep waving that fucking thing in my face, that is exactly where I am going to put it."

He grimaced as Hidan lifted his leg and placed a boot on the table, further scattering his hard work. Fucking kami-damned immortal asshole. As the severed arm's finger waved closer to his face, he grabbed it and yanked, jerking the arm right out of Hidan's grip.

He made no move to actually throw it away though, content with just making his point.

"Get this fucking thing out of my face."

He threw the thing back at Hidan.

"I have no idea where Kakuzu is. If it'll shut you the hell up, _here_ -" and he fished his own first aid kit and twine out of the pouch by his feet.

Well... That shut Hidan up, he was really just looking to piss someone off and Kisame? Kisame was in the wrong place at the wrong time. What he didn't expect was an actual offer of help.

"Well shit."

He eyed Kisame warily, what was he up to? The older shinobi couldn't possibly get anything out of attacking Hidan (except maybe self satisfaction) but he was having difficulty trusting anyone.

Occupational hazard, really.

"Huh."

But for the life of him, he couldn't think of a cool come back right that moment, so instead he dropped his boot back on the floor and after a heavy moment held up the stump of an arm in Kisame's direction, still standing by the table like a dolt.

Oh, that made the asshole shut up. He'd have to remember that wrong-footing Hidan did that.

Kisame hadn't actually meant to suggest that HE would sew Hidan back together, but, well, the kid was sort of looking a bit like a lost puppy or something now - for a given understanding of the 'lost puppy' look, Hidan was, of course, still covered in blood and debris and well known for his murderous impulses and so on.

So he rolled his eyes again and actually took the damn arm off the kid.

"For Kami's sake, Hidan."

He gestured to the empty spot on the sofa next to him, "Get over here so I can get this done for you."

He absently wondered if he could get Hidan to actually pick up the mess he'd created after this.

After slight resistance, Hidan let go of his arm and plonked his ass gingerly onto the sofa, at a fair enough distance, that he could still dodge if Kisame decided to bite or something.

Distrustful purple eyes followed the mans every move; gingerly sitting there, Hidan couldn't quite get over the bizarre situation, what the fuck was happening? The only reason he was being so obedient was because his mind was still not over the WHAT THE FUCK.

From close up, Hidan was not only dealing with a severed arm, he had burned skin well down his neck, and quite a bit around his chest too.

Although he was immortal, he stank of burned meat and he wasn't exactly immune to pain. Gingerly Hidan raised his stump of an arm again, it wasn't severed neatly, it had actually been blown off, so it wasn't going to be easy sewing it together again.

Up close and personal, Kisame's sense of smell was even further assaulted by the bloody, meaty, burned scent wafting from Hidan's body. Combined with the sweat and the smoke and the damp, as well as whatever that underlying scent was that he guessed was Hidan's own personal scent, it was a mess that had him snorting and wrinkling his nose.

There wasn't anything he could do about it, however, so he just grimaced and pushed the sensory annoyance to one side.

Smirking slightly at Hidan's obvious unease, Kisame pulled out the anti-septic wipes from his first aid kit, and - pushing aside the ruined fabric of Hidan's Akatsuki cloak - began to none-too-gently wipe down the burns and scrapes leading to his severed arm.

"Kami, do you actually feel all this?"

It was quite disgusting - and he had the horrible thought that Hidan, while immortal, still felt everything that happened to him. Kisame himself would be cursing himself a new shade of blue if he was this badly damaged.

Cue cursing.

Hidan cursed vehemently as the wipes swept over his burns, mainly because he hadn't really prepared himself for the fresh wave of pain, and the adrenaline had more or less worn off. Sweat broke out on Hidan's body, his face, pooling above his upper lip, on his temples and forehead, and he drained of almost all color. His breath caught as he felt his vision go for a split second, the pain was so intense.

Shuddering, Hidan almost curled into a ball, the pain so surprisingly crippling, "Jashin FUCK."

After another moment of cursing everything in the world for ever being born under his breath, he glared at Kisame, "Just get it fucking over with, I'm not gonna get fucking infected or something stupid, seriously."

His pain tolerance was pretty high though, so he recovered fairly quickly. But if Kisame was looking closely, Hidan's eyes had dilated in pain and shock and his breathing was definitely faster than before.

Turning away as if not looking would make it hurt less, he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: "Fucking blonde."

As soon as Hidan reacted - and Kisame could tell the kid was trying to make himself not - Kisame paused. He noted the sudden pallor, the fresh sweat beading on the pale skin, the up-tick in his breathing. All signs that, yes, indeed; Hidan did feel fucking everything that happened to his body.

The cursing just cemented Kisame's understanding of the matter.

With another grimace, he pulled out a new wipe and this time, _this_ time, he was far gentler. "You may be immortal, and be able to get over this shit without actually dying, but I think we would all prefer you not get sick."

He could just imagine the amount of whining the kid would indulge himself in, Jashin this and Jashin that.

He tried to be quicker, as well as a shit ton more gentle, wincing very time he saw even a hint of a wince in Hidan's features. When he was done cleaning, he picked up the severed arm and did his best to clean that as well - at least the arm wasn't attached and hopefully not relaying any pain to it's owner.

"I'll try to get this done as quick as I can," he said as he began to thread a sterile needle.

All this just because he wanted some peace and quiet. Fuck's sake.

Hidan gritted his teeth and stared straight ahead and tried to pretend his stump wasn't feeling like it was being cleaned with acid. Once the infinity of enduring passed and Kisame moved onto his severed arm, Hidan slumped backwards into the sofa, the pain in his arm receding into a more acceptable burning sensation.

Releasing the breath he was holding in a gush he turned slightly to study Kisame.

"Fuck."

He knew the man had been holding back, Hidan was perceptive enough to pick that up. Was the man a moron? Empathizing with Hidan wasn't just stupid but also a waste of time. At least he didn't seem to be about to strip Hidan and clean up the rest of the burns.

"Just get it fucking over with, seriously."

That had supposed to come out hardcore, instead Hidan's voice was hoarse and bone deep tired. He felt like he could sleep for years.

"Kakuzu never bothered with those fucking alcoholic wipes."

Kisame rolled his eyes again, "Just deal with it, kid. I'm not sewing this thing back on until I'm sure it's not going to turn into a festering lump that'll have you whining the whole team into submission."

He was trying to keep up his gruff exterior - but apparently the exhausted looking Hidan, slumping into the sofa and glaring feebly at him, had Kisame's voice threading with a hint of actual concern, despite his words. Despite his blood lust, his love of battle, his enjoyment in reducing his opponents to their barely recognisably human component parts, he did apparently still have a soft spot for his team mates.

"Right. I'm guessing this is going to hurt like a bitch. Hold it up for me – " He pressed the severed end of the arm to it's stump, directing Hidan to hold it in place for him with his good arm.

Hidan considered refusing but he just wanted this over right now.

"I don't fucking whine."

But like a good boy he lifted his stump of an arm, trying and failing not to tense up in anticipation of what is going to be a hell of a lot of pain. Screw Kisame, he wasn't going to give the blue fish man the satisfaction of cursing.

"Yeah you do, just own that shit already. You were whining your fucking head off when you came in."

Kisame tried to distract the kid as he went about the actual sewing in as buisnesslike a manner as he could, appreciating that he was probably sick of this already and just wanted it over with.

"You whine worse than Sasori does when he gets his puppets fucked with. Worse, even, than Deidara when he's feeling unappreciated."

It might have even worked if Hidan wasn't trying to stay conscious. He was unable to bite back a gasp when Kisame started sewing, but at least the man kept going.

Taking a breath and holding it, he felt cold sweat begin to gather along his scalp, between his shoulder blades as he shuddered again and again with each tug and pull of thread. Through that haze, Kisame's words tried to sink through but they weren't making much of an impact, instead Hidan settled for imagining all sorts of ways to kill Kisame.

Kisame kept a careful eye on Hidan as he sewed, talking non-stop and not pausing in the actual stitching. He might enjoy his job, enjoy fighting and battles and killing and stealing shit from those he ends - often in the messiest way he could think of, unless Itachi stepped in - but this prolonged torturous shit of a team mate just wasn't for him. To be honest, it was making him feel a little bit sick. And by the time he finished sewing the arm back to he stump, he was glad of it.

He tied the thread off neatly and used his only remaining clean blade to slice the thread close to the knot so it wouldn't catch on shit.

"Alright kid. Now, I take it you're _not_ going to clean up this mess you made of my shit, so." He wadded up the used wipes and tossed them in the general direction of the trash can, then went about picking up his scattered blades, leaving Hidan to sit alone for a moment, unsure if the immortal was going to come raring back to his usual coarse self at any moment. Or if he'd stay there, listless and recovering for the rest of the afternoon.

Kisame might have felt sick, but Hidan's stomache was literally rolling.

Grunting in response when Hidan registered that Kisame had said something, the silver haired man groaned heartily as the nerves reconnected. Welcome back arm.

Instead of waiting a moment for the pain to subside, Hidan lifted the newly re-attached arm and flexed with a slight grimace. He couldn't help it, he didn't want to look like a weakling in front of Kisame. Although he had the horrible feeling the facade wasn't working with sharkman.

"Fuck, good as fucking new, seriouisly," Hidan grinned toothily at Kisame, "You'd make a good wife someday. Fuck."

He remained on the sofa a bit longer though, his body needed that at least.

Kisame paused only briefly in his collecting, in order to see how Hidan fared with the arm. When the kid obviously forced himself to lift and flex even as the wound remained, Kisame rolled his eyes. Kid was lucky as fuck to be immortal, seriously, especially with the amount of bravado he had in him.

Kisame grabbed the last of his blades just as Hidan spoke, narrowed his eyes briefly and then rolled them as he headed back to the sofa.

"You're welcome. As a suggestion? Don't fuck with Deidara's clay."

He pulled the whetstone back out and placed it to one side as he began to re-clean all the blood and grime Hidan had managed to get over everything.

No explosion? No angry come back? Did the Sharkman want to be a wife or something?

Putting his boots up on the table, not on the equipment per say but dangerously close, Hidan punched the air with the recovered arm, hating the feeling of cold blood slowly starting to move again.

"Who wants to fuck with that kid anyways? He leaves those fucking things fucking everywhere, fuck! I swear to Jashin, if he fucking leaves those things around again I'm going to shove them so far up his fucking ass he'll be fucking burping them out, seriously."

"Get your Kami-damned boots off the table, spreading Kami knows what everywhere AND all over my blades, fucking-"

Kisame let himself grumble, valiantly ignoring the pained winces Hidan made as he stretched and flexed his newly re-attached arm.

He could do with having his quiet back, but apparently the kid wanted to complain some more.

He snorted at the imagery of Deidara burping up clay bombs. "Just do it somewhere NOT HERE," he ordered a little gruffly as he cleaned off the last blade and waved it in Hidan's general direction, "I prefer this place _not_ covered in Deidara parts, blood or clay."

He picked up the whetstone to go over the blades one more time, making sure each of them would meet his standards.

It wasn't so much that Hidan wanted to complain, he just needed a moment to recover, "Whatever, fuck, you're more whiny than that stupid blonde, are you on your fucking period? Seriously..."

Making a great show of taking his booted feet off the table and standing up with his hands up mockingly in defense, as though to say, 'hey I'm doing what you want so just chill, fuck,' Hidan grinned.

"I'll leave you to your fucking cleaning then, Darling, don't forget the laundry too while you're fucking at it."

Time to head back and get a shower, and a bath, oh man a bath would REALLY hit the spot right now.

Kisame scowled at the language and insinuations, rolled his eyes again - apparently that was going to become habit around Hidan if he didn't watch it - as the kid made a show of moving his feet and standing up.

He didn't respond immediately, simply eyed Hidan's arm, before huffing.

"That mouth of yours -" he cut himself off with a shake of his head though.

"Whatever. Go get clean, I think my nose shut down."

Hidan snorted, he had never thought that Kisame could be so... So... Girly?

"You're not going to run a fucking bath for me or something?" Hidan threw a parody of a leer in Kisame's direction, and then suddenly he laughed, not the manic I'm-gonna-kill-you laugh but one of genuine amusement "you're sure you're not fucking in love with me or something?"

Kisame smirked, "You're asking a Shinobi of the Mist if he'll run you a bath?"

He flexed one hand into three very quick and basic signs, something all children in Mist could do, and drew water from the air into a fist sized globe, let it hang in the air between them, "How about a short sharp shower?"

As the globe spun lazily it continued to grow, just as lazily, absorbing the water from the air of the room.

Hidan's mouth dropped open in horror, as he looked up at the glistening ball of water, "You wouldn't fucking dare."

Which all in all probably wasn't his best move.

Kisame's smirk grew into a very sharp shark toothed grin, "I dunno kid, you smell pretty fucking bad right now AND you mucked up my blades..."

With a quick flex of his fingers, Kisame dropped the - now skull sized - globe of water right on Hidan's head.

Hidan could have dodged, but he wouldn't have been able to dodge completely so instead he opted for taking the blow head on. He wouldn't admit, however, that the water actually felt like heaven on his skin, the skin that wasn't burnt that was.

For a moment he stood there glaring at Kisame, looking much like a drowned rat and then with a yell he grabbed some of the newly sharpened kunai and leapt across the room, giving him distance to throw.

"Fucking asshole! I can't believe you actually fucking dumped a ball of water on my fucking head!"

And three daggers in rapid succession went flying at Kisame.

There went any chance of Kisame getting some quiet time.

Kisame burst out laughing as soon as the kids expression went from shocked to pissed; drowned rat was rather apt, with his straggly silver hair and streaky soot and blood dripping down his pale skin.

Even as Hidan grabbed three of his blades and leapt away, Kisame continued to laugh, using barely there flicks of his fingers to block the blades with dense ropes of water, "You deserve it kid! You smell a damn sight better already!"

Quiet time be damned, an impromptu sparring match was just as relaxing. Kisame grinned and launched three more globes of water in quick succession.

Hell if he was going to just sit there and take it; running up the walls to avoid taking the hits, one still came close enough to wet the tail of his cloak. With a growl Hidan shrugged his right shoulder out of his cloak, throwing the ruined garment off, revealing burns across his chest and neck, although it wasn't as extensive as it could have been. Infact some of the lighter burns were already starting to peel and reveal new pink skin underneath, thanks to Hidan's insanely inhuman healing ability.

With a roll to avoid any other stupid water globes, Hidan glared at Kisame from behind one of the couches, "You're the one that's gonna have to fucking clean this up! "

This, _this_ was actually fun. Kisame traced Hidan's chakra as he zipped about the room and apparently dropped behind the sofa.

"Who gives a fuck about cleaning!" Kisame laughed, launching an actual wave of water in Hidan's direction, soaking everything in its path, "I'll make Deidara clean up, it's his fault anyway!"

Now, should he actually break out the weapons? He'd just sewn the kid back together after all. Or should he stick with water? It _was_ amusing seeing the kid soaked through and steaming.

Flipping the sofa up horizontally and laughing manically, the wave of water still managed to soak Hidan to the bone. It was obvious that Kisame wasn't actually trying to do any real damage.

Hidan spluttered for a moment when quite a bit of water got into his face, "Ha! Good luck trying to get that dumb blonde to clean up this fucking mess!"

Tossing the sofa in Kisame's direction, Hidan roared with laughter and followed through, jumping up and kicking the sofa to speed up the stupidly large thing.

Hopefully he could get at least one hit in. It would be embarrassing otherwise.

"I'll threaten his hair! He's a vain little thing!"

Kisame laughed again as the sofa suddenly went airborne, grinned as Hidan leapt after it, and braced himself. With barely even a twitch, barely a grunt of effort, Kisame caught the sofa and bounced it away in one fluid movement.

And then he caught Hidan.

The instant he was caught, Hidan froze.

First of all he wasn't quite sure what had happened; one minute he was flying after the sofa, feet first, grinning wildly, the next minute Kisame had effectively stepped back and not only avoided the kick, but caught Hidan midflight in a freaking _Princess_ _carry_.

Eyes wide in abject confusion, Hidan found himself for a split second safely secured in strong arms with not a single idea of what to do in response…

Being Hidan however, his first instinct was of course violence.

With a growl Hidan's fist shot straight up.

Kisame was actually a little shocked at himself, while catching Hidan had been the plan, a princess carry not quite so much. But it amused him greatly and he burst out laughing at the incredulous look on Hidan's face - until the fist connected with his chin, however, snapping his head back sharply.

He dropped Hidan like a sack of potatoes, grunt of brief pain turning back into a laugh and a grin.

"I'm going to drown you for that, just so you know."

Rolling from the drop Hidan grinned, shaking his fist loose. Now that was a wonderfully satisfying punch.

Despite still not being at full power, this was a lot of fun, "I'd like to see you fucking try, you overgrown puffer fish."

Leaping backwards and safely out of reach, Hidan smirked at Kisame. Backed up against the wall he began to estimate how much further he had to go to reach the exit, "Pein is gonna get his panties in a fucking bunch if you flood his beloved Headquarters you know…"

"Puffer fish?!" Kisame took actual offense at that, bristling almost visibly. He was big and gruff and more than a little blood thirsty, but apparently insulting his appearance still hurt.

It was Hidan being an ass, though, so he pulled the grin back to his lips and flicked his hands through the symbols he needed, "I couldn't care less, I'm gonna make Deidara clean it up anyway!"

With a burst of chakra, Kisame leapt to the ceiling and called twin funnels of water to life, directing them both at Hidan with a grin and a laugh.

Putting his hands together in a seal, Hidan smirked, "Bring it on _darling_."

But before he could do anything else, there was an polite cough from the entrance to the room.

Hidan's eyes shot over to see the Uchiha surveying the current wreckage that was the common room.

No wonder he hadn't sensed a presence approaching!

Well that may also because he was too busy enjoying himself to notice anyone coming. Releasing the jutsu far too quickly, almost like an embarrassed genin caught in some stupid act, Hidan flushed and scowled at Kisame like it was all his fault.

Dark eyes flicked over Hidan after a brief pause and instead settled on Kisame.

"Kisame, what are you doing?"

Kisame, fully prepared for a fun sparring session, startled at the polite cough. He turned in time to see Itachi raise one elegant brow in his direction.

The funnels dissipated at once and he dropped to the floor with a penitent expression as he took in the utter devastation he and Hidan he wreaked of the common room.

He coughed, grinned down at his partner, "...Just... letting off some steam?"

Hidan straightened up with a tsk picking up his ruined cloak and looking at their handiwork with a touch of pride, "Big man Puffer fish is far too fucking tight arsed, you need to get him laid more fucking often."

He shrugged, as though Hidan wasn't the actual instigator of the entire event.

Although he had to admit, Kisame was nothing compared to Itachi when it came to being tight arsed. Flashing one last grin at the blue ninja, Hidan ducked behind Itachi and effectively retreated from the scene.

Itachi watched Hidan leave for a moment before turning to level his gaze at Kisame, crossing his arms and waiting for a more detailed explanation.


	2. Chapter 2 Getting Muddy

It's been years! Here's a wonderful crackfic between me and my fav rp partner of all time. (guess who is who, I dare you) I just rp, she does the editing and making it all readable and stuffs. All suggestions and crits welcome cause… We honestly have no idea where it may end up. Heads up warning, there will be MxM, cussing, nudity and violence.

That said! Please enjoy crackfic! Collab between a Sexy as all Hell Brit and one Crazy Ass South African.

Hidan was pissed, of course he was pissed, he didn't join the stupid Akatsuki to run about collecting _information_.

It had been maybe a month since the incident with Deidara and the shit storm that fell on his and Kisame 's heads after they destroyed the common room. Apparently, some sort of punishment had been to give him these ridiculous intel missions. Fuck that shit.

His arm was pretty much healed at this stage, and so were all the burns, however he still bristled when he thought about that Uchiha interrupting what had been turning out to be pretty cool spar. Fuck the punishment, it had been fun.

Rolling over in the steaming water, Hidan groaned in appreciation. Nobody knew about this onsen except him; he'd wanted to come back here and enjoy it since stumbling across it after a mission months ago.

Avoiding the latest stupid ass mission had been a good enough reason to come by.

Hidan smirked, sitting up to his waist in the gorgeously heated water, surrounded by nothing but trees and bushes for miles around, so far up a mountain he doubted anyone would be able to find him for a few more days at least.

With a heart felt groan of appreciation he leaned back, one hand tracing his beloved scythe gently, the past two days here had been heaven.

Fucking Hidan. Fucking Hidan and his fucking disappearing act. Fucking Hidan and his disappearing act and the loss of information vital to the fucking cause.

Two days! Two days the little shit had been missing!

Whether the kid had gathered the Intel and done a runner, or simply done a runner didn't particularly matter to Kisame right now, he was pissed. Pein was pissed. Itachi was pissed. Kakuzu had simply shrugged with a 'what do you expect?'

What he EXPECTED was some damn _loyalty_. And the bare minimum of fucking effort. Fine the missions had been some misguided attempt to chastise the kid - and he'd had a fare few of his own annoying missions as well - but fucking hell, they were still important!

What he got was the kid not doing his damn job and disappearing for two fucking days.

So. When Kisame stepped into the stream trickling down the mountain from the the hot spring above and immediately felt Hidan's fucking presence through his connection with Samehada, he growled and followed the stream to its source.

When he reached the source, he discovered the recalcitrant Akatsuki member basking in a fucking chakra boiled along with his temper.

"HIDAN!"

Well, it would have been difficult ignoring the massive amounts of angry chakra coming his way. It had already been a few weeks since they'd seen each other, what with other solo missions and generally having next to nothing to do with each other, and it was very strangely a pleasant surprise to see the man now.

Hidan flashed his teeth in something resembling a smile at the big blue mans appearance.

Again strangely, he was really looking forward to the confrontation; in fact, despite the onsen being glorious and the rest being heavenly, the past two days had been super boring, so this worked out wonderfully. If Kisame seemed about ready to explode, Hidan was pooling lava, and he couldn't _wait._

"Hello darling, looks like you fucking missed me, huh?"

Hidan slid his scythe into the water just in case Kisame really did attack him. It wouldn't surprise him at all really.

"C'mon, don't be so fucking stuck up, come on down here and bloody well join me."

Kisame spluttered.

"Missed you? MISSED YOU?"

Kisame growled again, chakra boiling as he glared at the fucking kid, "You just jeopardized months of work for a fucking, what, a fucking _onsen_ break?!"

At any other time a dip in an onsen would be just the thing to rejuvenate him, but this! This streak of pale piss had not only torn his last nerve but pulled it out and stomped on it for good measure. He was infuriating.

Not even going for finesse, working on pure instinct alone, Kisame gathered chakra, waved a hand and the water of the onsen came alive, dense tendrils twisting and grabbing and wrapping their way around the missing nin sitting rather stupidly and vulnerably right within them.

"Fucking 'stuck up', _fucking_ hell."

"Woah!"

Hidan wasn't about to stick around and get strangled by Kisame's water tentacles and shit. He was so glad he always kept his scythe on hand. Just before the tendrils tightened, Hidan sucked in a breath and cut through them; he leaped up and away, in all his bare glory.

"Now I know you have got to fucking get some, you're getting desperate, huh?"

"Stay still and be drowned, you little shit!"

Kisame threw the tendrils of dense water after the leaping - and fucking hell, _naked_ \- idiot.

If he couldn't catch him and drown him, he was going to throttle him. Or dismember him. Or something. _Anything_ to sate his wrath. The kid would survive it, he was fucking immortal for Kami's sake.

"How stupid do you fucking think I am?"

Laughing gleefully, Hidan leaped back again, looking like a madman.

Wielding his massive scythe, Hidan crouched on a tree branch, grateful for the massive trees everywhere, a bloody good place to dodge and hide from Kisame 's attacks, even though it really wasn't his chosen mode of fighting.

"Oi! Stop draining my fucking onsen, seriously!"

"I _know_ you are a fucking idiot! I'm a Shinobi of the Mist for fucks sake, and you hid out in an _onsen_? _Ludicrous_."

He tracked the kids chakra as he leaped into the trees and disappeared from visibility, the tendrils of water dropping to the ground and saturating the whole place in inches of water.

The ground was now slippery, but at least Kisame had more than enough water to work with. And hey, maybe he could drown the kid in mud, _that_ had to be a new experience for him.

"I will do what I fucking want to this Onsen. You're never going to use it again anyway!"

With a grin of pure bloodlust, fuelled by his anger and frustration, Kisame unslung Samehada from its bindings.

"Oh man, now you're gonna bring out your giant sword, fucking compensating for something aren't yah?"

Hidan cackled, and tossed a branch at Kisame. Not because it would do any damage, but just because it would enrage Kisame further.

"I like that fucking onsen! Although you seem to need it more! Probably the only kind of stress relief you're ever going to bloody well get."

With another leer Hidan hopped onto another tree, taunting the Mist nin. He could sacrifice Kisame, but… This way was a lot more fun.

Well at least, that was what he was telling himself as he held himself in check. Exercising caution was a lot more difficult than he had thought it would be. He wasn't risking another full on body attack though, since Kisame was apparently prone to princess carries.

And Hidan was not a princess.

Kisame batted the branch out of the air with a careless flick of his arm.

"Fucking compensating, I'LL SHOW YOU COMPENSATING YOU THRICE DAMNED ASSHOLE"

Kisame gripped the hilt of Samehada, felt it squirm and grow in his hand and he grinned enormously, sharp teeth glinting as dangerously as his expression.

With a grunt of effort, Kisame swung Samehada, biceps and pectorals rippling with the effort beneath his cloak, spinning the heavy blade of the sword in a wide arc around himself

On the third swing, the great shark-skin blade crashed through the trunks of the trees he had seen that damned branch come from, tearing the vegetation to shreds.

"Get down here and be drowned! That's all the stress relief I need!"

The movement was too obvious and too large, Hidan easily saw it coming and dodged again; another batch of trees another bout of cackling.

"No need to show me, haha! It's not like I'm fucking interested!"

Butt naked and not a care in the world, Hidan was having the time of his life.

Bare feet braced on the branch, he stood up straight in full view and full frontal, "I already fucking told you, all you need to do is get laid, jeez. Or are you just fucking obsessed with me?"

Folding his arms across his chest he smirked down at Kisame, "I can only say you've got fucking good taste in men."

Faster. That was Kisame's take away from Hidan's naked leap to the next set of trees. But he was just getting started, so fine, he could endure the cackling and the taunting for now.

In fact, Kisame decided to join in as he considered his next move, "You sound like you're protesting too damn much, kid! Are you sure you don't actually want a taste?!"

Much faster this time, he swing Samehada through Hidan's new hiding place. As the sword ate its way through the trees, a few quick hand signs had the water from the onsen lifting and pooling and growing behind him, readying for another attack.

Yelping in surprise Hidan almost fell, but instead managed to beat a hasty retreat.

That's what he got being too over zealous.

Taking refuge in another batch of trees and out of sight, he suppressed his chakra. 'Lets see how Kisame deals with that!'

He eyed the swirling water with a mind of it's own uneasily.

If they were gonna try and see who came out last, Hidan didn't have the stamina to compete with Kisame. He was going to have to think of some other way to end this.

Sending a clone to the other side of the clearing he let his clone yell, "Oh yeah? That's just a fucking trick to get in my pants isn't it? You want me so fucking bad, then come and get me, seriously."

Samehada was actually laughing at him in the back of his mind, amused at his anger and his desire to throttle the kid; he chose to ignore it, he was getting enough teasing and ridiculous insults from Hidan.

Swinging the sword again - even as he felt rather than saw a Kami-damned clone (Hidan seriously thought he would fall for that?!) leap across the clearing and begin yelling anew - Kisame destroyed yet more trees without a thought.

His mind was on the onsen. The water boiled, began to bubble and writhe. With a grin and a cackle, a quick slash of symbols and chakra, the water suddenly spiked out - just like a fucking _puffer fish_ , thank you Hidan for the idea - long dense spikes of near-solid water lashing out in every direction, spearing through trees, earth and rock alike.

Naked clone was absolutely not happy with this, having had to quick-sharp dodge three of the spikes apparently intent on impaling him.

"Leave my fucking onsen alone!"

With a growl he threw himself headfirst at Kisame , knowing full well it was pointless but on the other hand, it could distract him at least.

"Fucking Puffer fish!"

Hidan didn't have insane strength but what he did have was speed, and all sorts of missiles were flying through the air straight at Kisame from all directions. A tree, a rock, a raccoon.

The tendrils of near-solid water became... less so. Kisame didn't even bother with the damned clone, he just knocked every projectile back with carefully aimed tendrils, sending more of them angling to grab the clone, as Samehada sought out Hidan's real body via its extraordinary chakra sense.

The racoon did give him momentary pause, though. He caught it and dropped it instead of flicking it away, " STOP THROWING THE WILDLIFE AT ME YOU IMBECILE." 

The creature screeched at them both and ran back into the dense underbrush.

There! With a grin, Kisame leaped into the trees, intent on getting his hands around Hidan's pale throat.

"Oh shit."

Hidan was fast, but he wasn't as fast as Kisame, instead he let himself be barreled over, intent on using the other mans momentum against him. Now if only he could get Kisame properly distracted so he get a proper grip, follow through with a roll and throw.

"Should have fucking known you couldn't wait to get your hands on me. _Darling._ "

Hidan parodied a kissing face at Kisame and reached out to grab the man. He was going to end up covered in mud but if he could send Kisame flying, it would be worth it!

Kisame saw the tactic coming a mile off, but what he hadn't counted on was exactly _how_ naked Hidan actually was. He was very naked. Very. Naked. It deserved the capitol letters. That was how naked Hidan was.

And the water and the mud and the sweat had apparently made him slippery, too.

As Kisame tried to get a grip on the annoying little shit, his fingers slipped and the ridiculous kissy faces just served to annoy him further, but, _but_ they also sparked a sense of challenge. He remembered the last time he had needed to wrong-foot the kid and here Hidan was, giving him actual ideas of how to do it again.

As his fingers slipped off Hidan's arms, he gave up on attempting to actually throttle the kid and instead used his continued forward momentum to -

\- well, he kissed him.

'Let's see the mouthy little shit's reaction to THAT' he thought as his foot fucking slipped on the branch and they toppled.

"Da fuck- Hmmmph!"

All grip vanished when the impossible happened. There was no way the kiss could be gentle, in fact it was less a kiss and more of a face on face collision.

He could feel the both of them crashing straight for the ground, but all he could feel was sharp teeth against his, a touch of pain that was enough to elicit an unexpected low growl of pleasure from deep in his chest.

He should try catching himself before he fell, he should try to get out of Kisame 's grasp; instead he found himself floundering in the air like a headless chicken. He had no idea what was happening or how he should react.

'Fuck.'

That had maybe been a bad idea. He had wanted to unsettle, wrong-foot, knock Hidan off his stride. And he had. Just maybe a bit too far.

(It really did nothing for his sanity that the kid growled as Kisame 's sharp teeth sank into his lips. It did even less for it when his mouth filled with Hidan's blood in the aftermath.)

But it all happened far too quickly to make any real sense of. All Kisame manged to do was twist in mid air, pulling away from the kid a little as they fell, arms wide, back first.

He landed with a loud and nauseating squelch. The tendrils of water dropped as he landed, wetting everything even further, turning the whole clearing - it's ruined tree stumps included - into a steaming swamp.

He lay there in silence for a moment, staring at the sky, thoroughly winded, mind momentarily blank.

Hidan had just enough presence of mind to roll with the fall, and he stood up slowly, covered in mud and looking not at all pleased. Spitting out a mouthful of blood he grunted at the devastation of the clearing and the now pretty much ruined onsen.

He glanced over at Kisame, at least the man didn't seem to be about to tackle him. Hidan wiped his mouth, attempting to look like he hadn't, for however brief a moment, enjoyed that "kiss".

Instead he was going to pretend nothing happened.

"You better fucking fix my onsen," he grumbled.

Kisame, his bloodlust now fizzled out along with the breath knocked out of him in the landing, worked his way up until he was resting on his elbows, lower body still stretched out in the mud. It didn't bother him all that much, the air was warm, the onsen was still running - even with all the damage - and he could clean off no problem with a moments jutsu.

He smirked at the amusingly mud covered Hidan, though, didn't fail to note the way he wiped at his lips. Definitely using that trick again.

He licked the traces of blood from his teeth. "And what if I don't?"

Hidan's eyes lingered on Kisame 's lips; he'd just licked away Hidan's blood! That should not have been as erotic as it was.

Breathing through his mouth, Hidan stood a moment longer before running and diving back into what remained of the onsen.

Maybe he was getting sick? What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Then you're not going to have any fucking space in _my_ fucking onsen," he yelled once he surfaced.

Ducking down he rinsed every bit of mud off of himself, watching it as it sank and flowed away with the stream. He really hated to be dirty.

"Fucking heathen."

Kisame rolled his eyes as Hidan dove back into the pool. Really, the kid was an idiot.

He pushed himself to his feet with a grunt, and with a small burst of chakra whipped up a funnel of cleansing water around himself, rinsing every last trace of mud from his skin, his clothing.

With a small put upon huff, he also did what he could to remove the excess water from the surrounding mud, drying it all out a bit and letting the run off slip into the stream that wended it's way down the mountain.

"You're still an idiot and I'm still pissed at you. But that was fun."

Hidan snorted, he would have admitted it was fun too.

Except for the last bit. If only Kisame hadn't thrown in that last bit.

Still…He'd forgive the man because he was sort of fixing the onsen.

"Still don't know why you had your panties in such a bunch. You gonna fucking get in or what?"

Kisame rolled his eyes again - that was definitely becoming a habit the more he interacted with Hidan - and decided fuck it, a revitalising soak in an onsen did actually sound good. Even if he was sharing it with the pain in the ass that had pissed him off in the first place.

"My 'panties' were not in a bunch, Hidan. You didn't do your job. Everyone's pissed at you, including Pien."

He stripped off his cloak, toed off his sandals and stripped off the rest of his clothing, draping it over Samehada and revealing that he was indeed blue all over and sporting actual gills.

He didn't let the self consciousness show. Far too many years of practice to let anyone see that old discomfort.

He did however let out a very content sigh as he stepped into the water and sank down into it.

"Pein should have fucking known better than to send me on a fucking _Intel_ mission, seriously."

Hidan wouldn't have been Hidan if he didn't stare, and he did stare from start to finish as Kisame stripped.

"Huh, can you actually fucking breathe under water with those things, or are they just there for decoration?"

On the other hand, sitting up attentively and looking interested, Hidan wasn't even the slightest bit repulsed. Hunting down Bijuus, you get to see freaking everything under the sun. He was just curious.

Kisame snorted at the obvious staring, refusing to let it bother him.

"It doesn't matter what mission you're sent on, the Akatsuki expects you to toe the damn line and do as asked. Even if you don't like it."

He slipped down further into the water, letting it revitalise his systems. "And yes. I can" He promptly disappeared below the surface and made himself comfortable, smirking in amusement at Hidan's pale skinny legs.

Dropping the issue because hey, what's the point? Hidan blinked when Kisame disappeared underwater and he was faced with absolute silence.

Now what?

"Oi, get the fuck back up here! I know the view down there is amazing, but stop staring and fucking come up here. It's called fucking manners."

Kisame waited until Hidan actually started swearing and then rose back to the surface. The smirk remained on his lips.

"You talk an awful lot of shit, kid," he said, not in an accusing way, just matter of fact, as he leaned back against the edge of the onsen, stretching his long arms out along the sides, his long legs out into the water.

Samehada, lying in the middle of the devastated clearing, draped in his discarded clothing, continued to emanate amusement with him for no reason he could figure out.


	3. Chapter 3 Holy Jashin Help

Authors note: There be dragons here.

Which means, violent yaoi (MxM) smut. If you're not ready for serious dub-con please kip to the next chapter Much love me and Smexy Bags

~.~

He found himself awake, something was off.

There was something in his room? Outside?

Hidan slowly sat up. Everything was in its proper place, neat, clean tidy. He didn't have many possessions, but what he did have was put away with proper care; there wasn't an inch of dust in his room.

Heart beat speeding up in anticipation, Hidan glanced around again.

Was it an attack? There wasn't anything out of place…

The movement was fast, too fast to follow in the dark, and suddenly a weight pressed into the mattress and a slightly chilled solid mass slid into Hidan's personal space.

"Kid."

Kisame's voice was softer than usual, probably due to the night, but his grin was wide, his gaze intent, and when a hand came up against Hidan's chest it was just as large and strong as it always looked.

Kisame was naked, the darkness turning his pale blue skin a deeper, almost gray-blue shade. Shadows curved around his rippling muscles as he moved, highlighting his sheer physicality, and thankfully perhaps, giving him some modesty as he leaned forward.

"Holy fuck!"

Hidan's heart jumped right up into his throat. He could feel every inch of that large hand on his chest as though the cool skin was burning him, "I'm not a fucking kid! And what the fuck are you doing in my fucking room anyway?"

He growled and made to rip that hand off him, "Just be glad I recognized you or you'd be so fucking cursed, you wouldn't know what bloody hit you."

Pausing for the briefest moment he blinked and added a touch belatedly, "Why the fuck are you naked?"

Kisame chuckled, pressed his hand harder against Hidan's chest, right above his racing heart. When Hidan reached for it, tried to remove it as he barked angry-shocked questions, Kisame grabbed his wrist and held it steady in his strong grip.

"You invited me," he growled, shifting even closer, palm sliding up Hidan's chest, over his shoulder and around his neck where it settled with a tight grip at the base of his skull.

"You invited me, and now you're going to give me what you promised."

"I fucking _invited_ you?"

He couldn't remember.

Actually everything was very hazy.

One free hand gripped his rosary as though that would anchor him to sanity. He'd never felt quite so confused or nonplussed before, it was as though his pillars of reality were shaken to the core. Almost as quickly though, he bounced back; he wasn't going to go down without a fight if Kisame had suddenly gotten it into his fishy mind that he wanted to eat him.

"I think I'd remember if I'd fucking offered myself up on a fucking silver plate, _Darling._ _"_ He all but hissed, one knee going straight up for the family jewels. Forget his one captured hand, he knew better than to try that, Kisame was the strongest, physically, in the entire Akatsuki.

Kisame grinned widely, showing off his sharp teeth, what little light there was in the room glinting off them as if to highlight just how dangerous a man he was.

"Oh yeah, kid. You fucking _begged_ me, and here I am."

He shifted just enough as Hidan tried to knee him in the groin, that instead their thighs slid roughly together. A second later he surged forward, shoving his hips between Hidan's thighs and using some of his considerable strength to force him onto his back.

"I'm going to enjoy this," he ground out as he pressed Hidan into the mattress.

"Oomph."

There was something almost animalistic about the man, and it wasn't more obvious than right this moment.

Hidan sucked in a shocked breath when everything came together in a horrifying "click"; he wasn't to be _dinner_ , Kisame was planning something _completely_ different.

He felt something cold gather in his gut; apprehension? Nervousness? He'd never felt so completely engulfed by any one person before… And he'd never been more excited by it.

They were separated by what felt like the thinnest sheet in the world at the moment, and Hidan had never been so aware of someone else body before, not without being curse linked.

Purple eyes narrowed, "I fucking told you, _I_ _'_ _m not a fucking kid._ _"_

With a growl Hidan brought his head back, prepared to headbutt the blue asshole to Kiri and back.

Anticipating just what Hidan was about to him, Kisame moved his hand into his hair and gripped, tight, holding Hidan's head still. His other hand pushed the kids captured wrist into the mattress beside his head and he grinned down at him.

"Now, now, remember, you _begged_ for this," he leaned down and bit into Hidan's pale neck, just enough to draw blood. He then licked over the wound, traced his tongue up to Hidan's jaw and bit down again.

Then, without warning, he lifted his body just enough to rip the sheets between them away, fabric tearing with a sound that was shockingly loud in the quiet room. He threw the remains aside and pressed back down again, aligning their hips.

The fistful of pale hair made Hidan feel like his scalp was about to be yanked off. Before he could yell more insults the teeth sinking into his neck robbed him of his senses. The pain was delicious, and he released a low growl that was definitely appreciative. And that sinfully wet, thick tongue sliding along his neck… There was no way he wasn't going to react to that.

" _F_ _uck._ _"_

Almost instantly purple eyes widened in horror; was he actually _enjoying_ this?

Before he could start to comprehend what was happening, cool flesh was sliding against his own oversensitive body and he could feel every flex of every muscle. He had to admit, the man was raw power.

He had the overwhelming urge to cover himself up, or at the very least throw Kisame off of him.

Releasing his rosary he reached for his scythe, but his hand grasped empty air. _Where was it?_

Shifting his weight as Hidan grasped into empty air, Kisame growled and snatched that grasping hand. He pulled both Hidan's wrists into his one large hand and pressed them into the bed above their heads.

"Naughty," he growled and pushed up onto his knees, pushing his weight into Hidan's wrists to hold them down as he hovered over him. He released Hidan's hair and slid his fingers down the expanse of pale flesh now exposed to him, nails leaving red scores in their wake.

"Let's see what we have to work with," he grinned. With quick movements, using his own knees, he pushed Hidan's thighs wide, exposing his naked groin to the scant light.

He'd never felt quite so exposed before, and he'd had naked fights with Kisame! But at that time, Kisame hadn't been looking at him as though he was about to devour him. And he had most definitely had not been so off guard as he was right now.

With both hands caught he couldn't even put together a simple seal!

Unable to hold back a hoarse groan when Kisame's nails left delightfully burning marks on his skin, he took a breath and yelled, "Fucking pervert!"

Coming back to his senses, Hidan tucked in his legs and _kicked_. Or tried to. That would be Kisame's own damn fault for giving him enough space to move. Bastard should know better than to make a mistake like that. It wasn't going to be the most effective kick, in fact it was more of an awkward kneeing, but anything was better than just lying back and taking this.

"Fuck," Kisame grunted as Hidan curled and kneed him. He shifted just far enough, just quickly enough to avoid a knee to his cock at least, but it still connected with his abdomen, winding him for a moment. Though what the knee connected with was rock solid muscle.

As Hidan struggled and cursed below him, Kisame shifted his weight and with another grunt - this time of effort - he actually lifted the smaller body, hands and knees, and _threw_ him, bodily, facedown onto the floor.

Without pause Kisame dropped his own body onto Hidan's, pressing him into the floor as he grappled Hidan's wrists into his hand again, holding them against the unforgiving floor over his head. He forced his knees between Hidan's thighs, spreading him wide.

"You're not _getting_ it, Hidan. You _begged_ for this," he growled into the back of Hidan's neck, pressed his teeth to the thin skin there, "And you are going to get it."

Face first into the unforgiving wooden floor, legs wide, Hidan was even more mortified to find that Kisame's hot breath, Kisame's teeth pricking his skin, only sent electric pleasure down his spine, so much so that the scrapes and bruises and in-no-way freaking comfortable position was fading into the background of his senses.

He didn't know what he'd done to invite such an assault, but he couldn't deny the desire coursing through him right now.

"Jeez, Kisame, I knew you had a fucking thing for me, but fuck, _seriously_ , could you fucking practice some restraint man!"

He cast his eyes about, looking for anything he could use as a weapon, anything to make him feel he had _some kind_ of control over this situation.

Kisame growled in what sounded like amusement, "Restraint? We _both_ know you don't want that."

Kisame leaned a good half of his weight on Hidan's wrists, effectively pinning them to the floor and limiting his ability to even struggle, let alone move. Kisame's huge frame curved over Hidan's back, and with a shift of the rest of his weight, he pushed his fully erect and straining cock into the meat of Hidan's ass with a grunt.

"Now, let's try again," and Kisame's free hand pushed under Hidan's hips. His long blunt fingers wrapped around Hidan's cock and he grinned, biting down into a pale shoulder as he did.

Hidan swore a blue streak when he felt something press into his upper thigh, Kisame was going to die for this!

His voice cut off with a savage gasp when Kisame wrapped his fingers so completely around his erection. He forgot about Kisame, or the massive pressure on his wrists, instead all he could think of was the possessive teeth in his shoulder, claiming him, and the firm hold Kisame had over him.

"Y-you really are a fucking animal."

The scariest part was that this part of Kisame turned Hidan on no end.

Kisame chuckled, "You love it."

Without preamble, holding his grip steady, Kisame set a relentless pace as he began to jerk Hidan off. He twisted his grip at the head of Hidan's cock with each pass, providing extra sensation; worked his wide palm over as much of the shaft as possible.

After a few tugs he pulled his hand back, made sure Hidan could see as he licked over it, spreading saliva and humming at the taste of Hidan's skin and pre-come on his fingers.

Then he wrapped his hand around him again and squeezed before returning to the relentless pace. Almost as if it were an after thought, his hips began to move and he rutted his own cock into Hidan's ass with a grunt.

Hidan didn't have a chance in hell of escaping at this point, his thoughts had scattered completely, all he could do was try to hold on to the liquid fire coursing in his veins.

Who was making those heady little gasps?

Oh, it was him. Wonderful.

He was trembling from the building pleasure and he had no idea what to do with himself, he was so freaking close his body was drawn tighter than a bowstring. Hidan honestly believed he was going to snap.

Kisame pressed his nose to the sensitive skin behind Hidan's ear, licked there before saying "You sound delicious, Kid." Barely a breath later and he bit down on the juncture between Hidan's neck and shoulder, hard and deep enough for blood to run freely over pale skin.

He kept up the pace of his hand, as if determined to pull every last drop of Hidan's pleasure out through his cock.

That was it for Hidan, with a vicious bucking and a loud yell, he came right over the blue mans hand. He felt like his insides were being ripped out of his cock. The feel of those large calloused hands on over sensitive skin was just too much, way too much as his cock pulsed and emptied.

Dropping limply towards the floor Hidan drew ragged breaths, dazed and not quite able to think yet.

What had just happened? All he knew was that he had enjoyed that far more than he should have. Sucking in much needed air, Hidan shot a murderous look over his shoulder, " _I_ _'_ _m going to fucking kill you._ _"_

Kisame let Hidan have his moment to breathe and then when the kid glared over his shoulder at him, he lifted his come covered hand and began to clean it off with long swipes of his tongue, over the palm, between the fingers, and then carefully sucked each digit to get every last trace.

"Hmmm you taste delicious, too."

He grinned at Hidan and without warning he grappled the kids hands to a new position, wrists held together in the small of his back instead of over his head, and flipped him onto his back.

He settled his bulk between Hidan's thighs, using his wide shoulders to keep them open, one hand still wrapped tightly around the kids wrists, and grinned up at him.

He licked his lips.

"Whoah!"

Hidan barely had a moment to get his breath back before Kisame had effectively flipped him onto his back. Shoulders bunched unhappily in this new position, he looked down, ready to rip Kisame a new one, only to catch Kisame licking his lips.

After cleaning his hands of his come, Hidan could easily put two and two together. Kisame, the fucker, wasn't going to stop.

Wiggling in earnest, Hidan's jaw dropped in shock, "Y—y-you're not really gonna fucking-"

Apparently he was too overwhelmed to even finish the sentence, this was just one wtf after another.

"Not really gonna...?" Kisame mocked him before grinning once more and bending down. He laved his tongue all over the pale skin of Hidan's groin, lower abdomen and upper thighs, seeking out and licking and sucking away every single trace of come. He took his time, apparently savouring every lick and taste.

And then, without any hesitation, and looking straight into Hidan's wide eyes, he sucked Hidan's spent cock into his mouth.

Well that had reduced Hidan to a quivering mess; every stroke of that ridiculously large tongue made the flesh beneath it shiver and jump. He felt on edge, he felt like he was on the verge of cracking, tense and arched up to see the heated look on Kisame's face when he finally, _finally_ took him into his mouth.

" _Fucking hell!_ _"_

That mouth was so wet, so hot, so _unbelievably_ too much for Hidan; it didn't take much for Hidan to be up and rearing to go all over again, in fact it felt almost instantaneous. Dark pleasure curled taut in his belly and Hidan had to bite back a whimper.

Kisame hummed as the cock in his mouth filled and returned to hardness, straining into the heat and stretch of his throat.

He pulled back enough to once again bathe the rigid flesh with his tongue, lapping at the shaft and around the base. He sucked on the head, tickled his tongue against the sensitive underside, moved down and breathed against Hidan's balls for a moment.

Then he sucked one into his mouth and wrapped his tongue around it over and over before dropping it and doing the same to the other. He only let them go when they were tight and damp with his saliva.

With another wide grin, he leaned back up again and sank as deep as he could onto Hidan's cock, swallowing him down whole and working his throat.

Hidan felt like he was being electrocuted, the pleasure was almost too intense. His eyes rolled back and Hidan couldn't keep his head up anymore, let it thump loudly to the floor instead. All he could do was quake and quiver. He felt like he was dying over and over.

This was definitely better than his hand. Fuck! It came close to being better than the _curse_.

When Kisame sucked him in completely, (how fucking big was this guys mouth?) Hidan bit his lip to avoid yelling, it was too intense!

Gasping raggedly, Hidan shook his head, "N-No!"

He was too close! Kisame was going too fast! Too quick! Hidan was never going to be able to hold on.

Kisame hummed again as he bobbed his head, sucking harder, working his tongue over every inch of Hidan's cock. He pulled back just briefly to press a hint of sharp teeth to the velvet skin of the head, before swallowing him back down again, as deep as it would go and more.

He swallowed and swallowed and swallowed, hummed and swallowed as his free hand slipped down and began to fondle Hidan's sack.

Teeth! Stop with the fucking teeth!

Hidan was on the verge of crying, he had surrendered so completely to that sinfully amazing mouth.

Unable to control himself any longer, he came again with a roar of pleasure-pain. He couldn't keep this up!

He bucked into Kisame's mouth again and again, hips moving as if with a will of their own. He didn't care if the man accidently bit him, he wouldn't have been able to control himself if Jashin _Himself_ came down and demanded him to.

Kisame swallowed down every burst of come as Hidan writhed in pleasure-pain beneath him, strong arm draped over the kids hips to hold him down as he bucked.

When Hidan stopped coming, when the spurts became dribbles and then the dribbles faded to nothing, he pulled back and began to lick away any traces of come that he had missed.

"Delicious, Kid. But I think it's my turn now."

Still not giving Hidan time to recover, Kisame pushed himself to his knees, wrapped his free arm under Hidan's shoulders and pulled him up.

With some very rough maneuvering, Kisame got Hidan onto his knees, one hand still laced tightly around the kid's wrists, and then he pushed him down until he was bent forward, face right at Kisame's crotch.

Using his free hand, Kisame grasped his cock and grinned down at him, "My turn."

Without pause, he pushed his cock-head past lax lips and into Hidan's mouth.

Kisame seemed to have an oral fetish, and for some reason Hidan wasn't too surprised. He seemed the type that wanted to taste everything, with that massive mouth of his.

Sucking in a breath to start ripping Kisame a new one, Hidan instead found himself face to face to Kisame's cock, "Fuck."

Almost going squint eyed Hidan choked as the thick shaft slid along his tongue and gagged him.

This should be disgusting, he should be biting down! Instead Hidan found himself trying to breathe through his nose; he was more interested in what he knew was gonna happen next.

Was he actually looking forward to this?

He felt strangely like he was sitting back, not really capable of controlling his actions anymore.

Kisame groaned deeply as pushed forward and his cock disappeared into Hidan's mouth. He was in a slightly awkward position, on his knees and curved very slightly over Hidan's form in order to hold his wrists together, but...

When his cock was fully engulfed, he straightened just enough that he could slide his right hand into Hidan's hair. He gripped tight. He grinned.

He began to thrust.

" _Kami_ , you should see your face," he grunted out as he set a slow pace to start, "You're enjoying this. You're _enjoying_ being held down and fucked."

Kisame repositioned Hidan's head slightly as he spoke, the grip on his hair harsh.

The pace of his thrusting sped up, hips working relentlessly as he shoved his cock into Hidan's throat over and over and over, grunting each time, breathing picking up, becoming ragged.

"Fuck, I could do this," he groaned on a particularly harsh thrust, "All fucking day."

Hidan growled in denial, even as he could feel Kisame stroking all the way along his tongue and down his throat. The friction was delicious; not that he could do anything but take it at the moment.

He felt every single thrust, it felt like Kisame was taking over him completely, from the inside out. Hidan didn't want to resist, didn't want to this to stop, didn't want this to end. Somewhere in the back of his head, he couldn't squish the feeling that something was so wrong about the whole situation, but also so fucking _right_.

Even closing his eyes didn't help, he could still picture Kisame perfectly, violating him, dominating him, it highlighted all the sensations at once, as well as his own guilty pleasure. How was he ever going to get forgiveness for this nights actions?

Kisame groaned, hips moving fast, shoving into Hidan's throat over and over and over.

His fingers tightened, white knuckled, in Hidan's hair and - "Fuck!" He came to a stop, so suddenly it was jarring, cock still buried to the hilt in Hidan's mouth. His hips twitched, his breath came out ragged.

"Fuck," his hand moved, let go of Hidan's hair, grasped roughly at his jaw instead, thumb tracing his lips as they stretched around his cock.

"Kami," he panted down at him, "new plan."

Hidan jerked backwards, freeing himself off Kisame.

His jaw was sore, tired, and his mouth felt suddenly, and decidedly _bereft_ _._ Hidan coughed, turned his head away to get some distance. Sucking in harsh breaths he coughed and _glared_ at the so-going-to-fucking-die-soon blue asshole.

"Oh yeah?," he quipped, voice scratchy. "I was so fucking hoping this was to be the end of this fucking fiasco. Guess I'm just too fucking irresistible, huh?"

Spitting, Hidan tried to clear his throat, fuck he could still _feel_ Kisame in his mouth, everywhere. Like he was invading him through his very pores.

Kisame laughed as Hidan pulled back, coughed, glared, spat. He let it happen, apparently not bothered. He smirked.

"You keep forgetting, kid, this was all your own doing," the smirk turned into another chuckle. "You invited, no you _begged_ , me to come here," his free hand gripped Hidan's jawline again, forced him to look up at him, "You _begged_ me to do this."

With a sharp shove, he pushed Hidan onto his ass, forced his hips between Hidan's splayed thighs, pushed his pale legs around his waist.

With another toothy, sharp grin, he aligned their hips once more and wrapped his large, steady, strong hand around both their cocks, gripping tightly.

"You _begged_ me to take you, to make you mine," he growled low. "You _begged_ me to _fuck_ you, to _violate_ you, to _use_ you."

Kisame's cock was still slick from Hidan's mouth and it eased the way as he gripped hard and began to tug their cocks together.

With a very undignified "oomph" Hidan came down hard, only quick reflexes stopped him from landing splayed on the floor, as it was Kisame was still too quick for him to slide out from under the large man.

Slick cock against slick cock, the sensation was terrifyingly good. Hidan felt as though he had been punched in the solar plexus, he couldn't breathe at all.

Every word Kisame growled only riled him up all the more. He was spent, finished, and yet, _impossibly_ he was hardening again. The pleasure-pain was almost overwhelming.

Hidan's hands scrabbled for purchase until he gripped Kisame's arms, as if for dear life - or death, whichever came first. Hidan's back arched, his hips pushing closer to Kisames, the pleasure was _too much._ He was _dying_ _._ No, he was _dead_ and back and dying again!

" _Fuck!_ _"_

As Hidan arched his back and grabbed Kisame's arms for purchase, Kisame growled again, voice deep and rolling. He slipped his hand up and wrapped it around Hidan's throat, gripping just tight enough to both hold him up and hold him still as he worked their cocks together. Even doing this, his self control was absolute.

He pressed his nose to Hidan's temple, panted harshly against the thin skin there, almost in time with the bucking of his hips. "I'm going to make you come so hard," he growled out, "You'll forget everything but my name."

And he squeezed harder, throat and cock; licked up the sweat trickling down Hidan's temple; worked their cocks faster and faster, without finesse as he pressed even closer.

If anyone else were to try this move, Hidan's throat would most definitely be crushed, however Kisame managed the position easily, testament to just how much control he had over his body.

It drove it home firmly to Hidan, just how crazy physically strong Kisame actually was. The idea was just as much of a turn on as everything fucking else had been tonight.

With the way Kisame was working their cocks, there was no way he could last any longer, and with a yell, another orgasm ripped through Hidan's body.

His grasp went so tight in the moment that he felt his nails bite through skin, and fresh, warm blood made his grip slippery. He took almost vindictive pleasure from that small wound, but didn't have the energy to do much else except _breath_ and float on a post orgasmic blissful haze.

With a long, long, drawn out groan, hips shifting fast and restless, Kisame finally came, spilling his seed over the both of them.

He kept working their cocks until he was no longer coming, and then he pulled back slightly, smirking at Hidan's limp form.

"Told you I'd make you come so fucking hard you'd forget everything," and he leaned in close, traced his teeth over Hidan's jawline, "But my name."

Moving slowly, smirking once more, Kisame pressed his lips to Hidan's.

Hidan could cry! Kisame kept going, kept tugging at their cocks; the over-stimulation had Hidan jerking like an electrocuted fish, it was too sensitive! He couldn't even put together a thought to protest at this far too rough treatment.

Through blurry eyes he watched Kisame descend on him, and even felt himself move towards the kiss…

Do you know those dreams where you're falling and you actually kick yourself awake? Hidan's tummy jerk pulled him straight out of that dream and he shot straight up with a horrified shout.

His room, his neat room…

He was in his room and there wasn't a giant shark nin in it with him. It was neat and orderly, just as it should be, his scythe was where he kept it close at night, he had his rosary and after a panicked check there were no shark-toothed bites all over his shoulders.

With a long hiss Hidan stared at the wet patch in his lap and wiped his sweaty face with a trembling hand.

What the holy fuck had just happened?

Glaring at his crotch he snarled, " _What_ _the fuck is wrong with you?_ _"_

Gripping his rosary he jumped out of bed, kneeled and began a long, _long_ ass prayer.

If he had ever needed Jashin, it was right now.

Kisame blinked and looked around the quiet clearing. Nothing moved except the flicking of the fire light, his shadow enormous on the trees behind him. He lowered his chopsticks and bowl of shrimp-rice.

The forest was dark and silent, apart from the occasional owl or bat, and that fox that had startled the fuck out of him earlier. He was decidedly alone. Except...

He narrowed his eyes at Samehada.

The damn sword was laughing at him again, he could feel it in the back of his mind, the mirth tickling away at him for no kami-damned reason.

"Will you shut up?"

The sword just kept laughing.


End file.
